If Only

There is this woman, a lifelong friend

She rather I didn’t mention her but I’m afraid she will be my end.

She has been a part of my life for a long time.

When life got too much and out of control, she always stepped in to show me the way.

She will most likely punish me for speaking up, it could be no worse than the pain she has put me through.

She likes to drink, do drugs and party. Likes to take control. I can hear her yelling as I write this.

Before, I joined in on the self-destructive behaviour but this time I said no to it all.

We’ve been arguing for days about the reasons why, yet she still persists. She isolates me to get her way, she wants me all to herself, to destroy me. Saying things like I shouldn’t go to social functions, I will do things she won’t like; I shouldn’t talk to certain people, they will encourage me to leave her behind. I should stay at home with her, she will look after me, she’s all that I need.

Some days we sit silence while I drink my coffee because I’m so tired of the fighting. She’s robbed me of so much but will never say sorry.

She tells me life was easier when we drank together, pretended I was a girl. That I care about things that don’t matter now and before I didn’t complain. That I should stop trying to resist because after years of failures I’m never going to succeed. If only you could stop eating things. People would like you if you weren’t so fat! Now, just pretend to be happy, all will be okay.

If only, if only I will let her show me the way.